What to expect in a Grief Support Group

Jodi Lacroix 

Jodi is the author of "Beautiful Agony" which details her personal story of her relationship, life and loss of her husband, John. You can learn more about Jodi at www.tradgodmother.com

First I’ll talk about navigating bereavement with grief support groups.

A grief support group is a meeting where folks who have lost a loved one, or who have lost something significant in their lives, gather to talk about their loss, share their feelings and render support to each other while being supervised by a trained leader or leaders.

In May of 2014, I found myself huddling in my car and being terrified to contemplate walking into a building to attend my first sudden loss grief support group. I had lost my beloved husband John just a month before to a sudden and traumatic accident.

Since nothing had made sense to me after John’s accident in March, I certainly didn’t think that I belonged in such a strange group. And yet that group was just what I needed to realize that I really hadn’t gone crazy, and that there were others who were also living on a similar alternative planet. I kind of imagined then that I was currently living on Mars.

The room was small. There were ten of us members crowded around the room in easy chairs. The two leaders, a man and a woman, had focused eyes and a friendly countenance. We all had eyes with a ‘deer in the headlights’ look. Since the leader’s eyes looked normal, I began to hope that my eyes would look like that again someday.

One by one everyone told their story, speaking of the most unimaginable types of deaths for the ones they loved. I thankfully went last, and it gave me time to work up my courage to tell a story that I still didn’t really believe had happened. They gave me extra time to tell my story since I was new. I found myself letting the words just flow out of me, in minute detail, as if I was still going through the ordeal. And when I finished, I received encouraging glances and words to let me know that they wouldn’t just walk away because my story was too strange to contemplate.

Both leaders suffered sudden losses many years before. They spoke of their journeys, and what led them to be there that evening to help us along our paths. They let us know that the road would be difficult, with many steps forward and backward. And the male leader told us something that has stuck with me to this day. He said that we would always have this loss, this hole in our souls. There would be no way to get rid of this painful experience in our lives. He told us that we would eventually learn to pick up this loss and carry it forward with us. That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be told that there would be a cure for my loss of my beloved husband, that time would erase the emotional pain. And yet, his words resonated with me even at that moment, and they have been proven true now that I have had years to accept them.

Now I’ll get into the story of my grief and trauma journey.

My husband John and I were married for almost 30 years. We worked together in our Orthodontic Dental Lab our entire married life, and we very much loved spending time together, going to the Catholic Latin Mass, raising our children and spoiling our grandchildren. Life was good. One of our passions was working on home improvement projects.

During a project to install reflective foil insulation to the inside of our upper floor roof, John fell out of our attic and 25 feet down our stairwell, suffering paralysis and multiple major injuries. He lived inspirationally for almost a week in the hospital, facing intense challenges, and then he died from a blood clot at the end of a successful surgery to fuse his vertebrae back together.

It was a one-two punch all within one week of time, and after his loss I found it completely inconceivable that I would be facing life without my beloved husband. And yet, there was no choice for me but to do just that.

Before I get into talking about grief support groups, I wanted to mention the benefits of having a one-on-one counselor to go along with attending a grief support group.

I realized that an elephant was crushing me and functioning day to day was extremely difficult. After a month my Pastor steered me to a counseling service, and I connected with a very wise and helpful one-on-one counselor. I’m very glad that I obtained a counselor first. The benefits of a one-on-one counselor were that she could focus completely on my story, and we could proceed in my grief therapy at a pace that I felt comfortable with. I could also say whatever I felt the need to share with her without worrying about what grief peers might judge or have a hard time with.

A few months into my therapy sessions, she suggested that I also join a grief support group. She felt that we could unpack intense emotions and thoughts that I would be hearing in a grief support group, and that we could turn any coping advice I had learned in the group into actionable customized steps for my daily life. Her thought was that the one-on-one therapy and the grief support group would dovetail nicely for me.

In our grief support groups, we always tell our members that it could be helpful for them to obtain a one-on-one counselor if they don’t already have one. And we try to provide counselor references for them.

Now onto talking about the benefits of a grief support group.

There were many benefits for me in joining the sudden loss grief support group. My family and friends fairly quickly moved on from John’s loss. Being in a grief group helped me to feel that I was not alone. The members in this group “got it”, and I could express sadness, anger and guilt without feeling judged. I was free to share or not to share, to talk about John as much as I wanted to, and to learn from the others how they were handling their difficult situations.

We were very unlike each other in almost every way, and we were from all walks of life and from different ages. In normal circumstances we would most likely never have met. And yet we began to call each other “the nicest people we never wanted to meet”.

Having survived the worst thing in the universe that could happen was our bond, and we soon formed friendships and pulled for each other and helped each other in any way that we could.

I organized a dinner get-together before our bi-weekly meetings for any of us that were alone or lonely. And we started going to social events and hanging out with each other when we could.

I began to feel like I was a member of society again, and that my new life was beginning to acquire some normal order. I hadn’t wanted a new life, but it was nice to find some stability in the strange world I had been given.

For five years it was comfortable for me to stay as a member of the grief group. I was constantly learning ways to handle grief and trauma from the leaders and the other members. At this point the hospice organizer of the different grief groups asked me if I would be interested in co-facilitating the sudden loss group. This would require training and shifting my participation to a supervisory role. I was honored to be asked. Not everyone in a grief group wishes to lead the group or to make that shift in dynamics.

The training sessions for co-facilitating were complex. There are many layers to consider when leading an emotionally charged group of folks. It takes courage to step into the leadership role and to keep everything safe for all of the grievers.

I had to switch from sharing my own story to mainly listening to the members tell their stories, and to encourage them to be supportive of each other.

During the first months as a co-facilitator, I made many errors in judgement. It was very good to have another co-facilitator with me who was more experienced and who could give me constructive criticism when necessary.

I’ve now been co-facilitating sudden loss and spousal loss grief groups for seven years. I continue to learn from the members of these groups, and every group is a continued healing for me.

Turning a tragedy into a way to help others has been my path to climbing out of the pit and back into the sunshine of life again. And I’m honored to be able to spend time with these folks who are so new in their grief journeys.

Since my personal loss was sudden and traumatic, I’ll be focusing on that type of loss during this part of my talk.

I’ll give you some examples of the types of sudden losses that I have heard about from the surviving members in these many groups:

There have been deaths from snake bites, hang gliding, car accidents, plane crashes, homicides, poisonings, head injuries, diving injuries, stabbings, fentanyl & other drug overdoses, hypothermia, drownings, avalanches, earthquakes, suicides, heart attacks, strokes, epilepsy, aneurysms, crushed while working under a car, falling off a mountain trail, rock climbing, ice climbing, falls, bleed outs, accidental gun shots, head injuries, motorcycle accidents, bicycle accidents, fires, missing hikers, bodies never found, and choking.

All losses are devastating. Sudden loss and anticipated loss, such as from a prolonged illness, are equal in their impact on a loved one. A sudden loss can add an extra layer of complication to the balancing process, as there was little or no warning of the loss.

It was fortunate that John & I had a week to communicate and to express our love for each other, and I consider that a priceless gift. In many sudden losses, the person dies immediately, and there is no opportunity for they or their loved ones to say goodbye.

In her book “Life Detonated: the True Story of a Widow and a Hijacker”, Kathleen Murray Moran describes very well the difficulties of dealing with a sudden loss.

She wrote on page 61: It was a strange existence, living a life you were thrust into without choice or preparation. Floating in the ether of indecision, I kept surreptitiously turning to ask Brian’s advice, picking up the phone to call him at work, searching for a portal back to the seven years we were happily married… Depression wasn’t really the word that captured how I felt. It was more like a complete shutdown; there was nothing left, no escape, no beauty, no sound that made a difference, not even the sound of my children’s laughter. Outside people came and went, took walks, laughed and cried, but none of that penetrated the darkness that covered my world.

And every type of loss incurs the overwhelming tasks of medical and legal notifications, funeral planning, and settling financial and estate issues. Folks face many challenges at a time when they are in deep grief. Having a counselor and a grief support group can help mourners to find helpful suggestions on how to handle that overwhelming burden.

Grief support groups follow a specific order in their schedule.

At the beginning of each support group the co-facilitators usually have a grounding exercise to read to the group to help them to come into the safe space of our meeting and to help them to temporarily leave the stress and the pressures of their day. We give the members a summary of our stories and how we became co-facilitators. Then one of us reads a list of agreements that we ask all of the members to follow during the meeting, such as keeping everything heard in the meeting confidential to safeguard everyone’s privacy, respecting each other, avoiding advice giving unless it’s asked for, allowing time for everyone to share equally, and being free share to as much or as little as they wish to. It’s important to read these agreements each and every time for the safety of all the members, even if everyone has heard them before at a previous meeting.

At this point we ask each member to tell who they lost, when the loss occurred, how they are doing at this time, and what they might hope to gain from attending the meeting. After everyone has shared their story, we open up the discussion to anything that is on their minds, important issues that they have to deal with, any ideas they are looking for to help them to deal with their difficulties, and how they can best relate or not relate to their family, friends and acquaintances. Something we really hope to see in our groups is when the members can talk with one another and help support each other. It can be very beneficial to connect with someone who is going through a nightmare recovery in a similar time frame.

We conclude the grief support meeting with a closing meditation to help them to leave our safe space and to go back out into the world again. And we are sure to let them know that opening up to deeply intense emotions in the group could possibly lead to a “grief over” the next day. We tell them to practice good self-care during this part of their journey while they try to adjust physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to their new life.

I started co-facilitating with several different Hospices that offered bereavement groups in the Boulder and Denver areas. I became aware of and very impressed by HeartLight Grief Center in Aurora through my co-facilitator training meetings. In 2023 I asked HeartLight for permission to start a virtual sudden loss grief group. It’s been going strong, and we now offer the group virtually twice a month.

HeartLight is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that is celebrating their 25th year in operation. They were founded by Horan & McConaty Funeral Services to fulfill a community need for safe spaces following a loss. HeartLight has now blossomed into a Center that offers dozens of virtual and in-person grief support groups. The focus of the groups covers areas such as loss of a spouse or partner, any death loss, loss of a child, suicide loss, loss of a sibling, loss of a parent, substance loss, early diagnosis support, caregiver support, homicide loss, young adults’ grief, anticipatory grief, professional workplace grief, sudden and traumatic loss, four-week grief workshops, and financial matters after a loss. They also offer art therapy for grief, horseback riding therapy for grief, summer camps for children who have suffered a loss, and many other helpful workshops. HeartLight also makes available resources for counselors and educational materials on grief and loss. I have some brochures for my sudden loss grief group and for HeartLight Grief Center that I will make available to you after this talk.

I’m so glad that I’m having the chance to speak with you about types of grief and traumatic loss today, as it gives me the opportunity to tell you why I think dealing with grief is so important for all of us.

Dealing with grief and trauma is a painful process. Many folks make the decision to stuff their sorrowful feelings away because of denial or anger or shock or sadness. It made sense to me at the beginning of my journey that something that powerful would be best tucked away for another time.

Except, it became impossible for me to function normally after my loss of John. I found my car keys in the freezer after searching for them for a few days. I forgot where I lived one day and had to pull my car over and cry for a while before I could come home again. Brain fog and exhaustion ruled my days. I told everyone that all I could do then was to work, eat, sleep and grieve. Somehow, I found the courage and the wisdom to decide that I would deal with this tsunami of grief and trauma now, instead of dealing with it later. Postponing the inevitable meant that it would be hanging over my head. That was even less appealing to me. And as someone in one of my groups once said, “feelings buried alive never die.

I didn’t want to live my life looking backwards all the time. And something that helped me very much is that my husband John and I had engaged in several conversations about what would happen if one of us died early. After a few funny moments of joking with each other about the types of people to whom we should not consider remarrying, we became serious. And we let each other know that we would want the survivor to find a way to live joyfully and fully again.

My journey through the grief and trauma I experienced so deeply has brought many positive aspects into my new life. I’ve learned to not wait to tell those close to me that I love them, that I need to connect with someone when I’m thinking of them so that I don’t get distracted, that life is so very fragile and precious and never to be taken for granted, and that dealing with my grief and trauma has helped me to resolve and accept other things in my life that were weighing me down. This is part of the good things that have come into my life since my loss, the “collateral beauty”, which is the idea that deep love and goodness can exist right alongside, or even emerge from profound pain, grief and tragedy. There are many good things that have happened since my loss of John that would not have occurred if his loss had not taken place. It’s good for me to acknowledge that only focusing on the collateral damage of my situation is not appropriate.

I will never be okay that my husband’s accident and death occurred. I have learned to accept that it did happen, and that I can carry myself forward while never forgetting that John was once here.

Grief support groups have been a blessing for me in so many ways. And I respect and admire the members that I have met throughout the years; their courage and tenacity, their willingness to carry forward when they’ve been so badly broken. Sometimes I can see the “grief beauty” or the “beautiful agony” in others and in myself; that grieving essence of who we are now as an individual without our loved one here, while at the same time beautifully reflecting out the love that we shared with them from our souls.

I hope my talk today will give you some information to consider in helping you with any grief or trauma issues that you or anyone you know might be experiencing.

Thank you for the honor of letting me speak with you today.