Heart to Heart - Searching for Common Humanity in Grief through Music
By: Kaitlin Tulbert
Grief can be such a unique and individual experience, and often isolating when it feels like the world keeps moving on without your loved one’s absence noticed or acknowledged. Being someone that has been very focused on external perception/validation throughout the majority of my life, a lack of others mirroring my internal experiences, in this case, grief, can strike up painful loneliness, even if I’m physically surrounded by others.
When I’m feeling disconnected and the world seems to move on around me, I find music to be a common tether back to this world, the people in it, and the experiences shared. That experience of coming across a song that feels like it was written just for me reminds me that I am not alone, grief is shared, and suffering is a part of life and the human condition. This notion brings me comfort in difficult times. Here are a few titles I find myself returning to throughout my life in my search for meaning and spiritual connection with others.
Man in the Moon - Coldplay
When you call (when you call)
Out my name (out my name)
That’s how I know that we cry the same tears
And we feel the same pain
When you call (when you call)
Out my name (out my name)
Oh, now I know that we share the same sun
And we sing in the same rain
When I’m experiencing that deep yearning for my person, I have found the next song matches that intensity of longing. In a way, I perceive this as permission and normalization of ‘continuing bonds’: ways I can maintain my relationship despite the loss of my person - whether by speaking out loud to them, letter writing, imagining, visualizing, recalling their voice, etc.
If Only I - Jon McLaughlin
I'd talk to you if only I could speak
And I'd dream of you if I could fall asleep
And then I stand up and go talk to you
And you start to smile like you want me to
And we stay together for the end of time
This is only happening in my mind
Where can you ‘meet’ your person? A cafe? A familiar place in nature? In their favorite chair? What would you like to tell them? Regardless of whether a relationship exists in its physical presence in life, in our minds, our hearts, our memories - I feel that our brains are one of our strongest assets in continuing these bonds. And yet, this is also the source of confusion, pain, and exhaustion we experience in grief. Both can be true.
I invite you to add meaningful songs to our public grief playlist - building this together will continue a growing testament of our experiences of loss, love, and pain, all speaking to this common humanity we share. Some of the songs I’ve added to start this playlist are about grieving, and some are more reminiscent of the person I’ve lost. No selections are wrong. Only each of us know what it feels like to be in our own bodies and brains, and by adding to this playlist, we can help to expand our understanding of grief, the people that have impacted us, our previous and current identities, and the songs that resonate.